mardi 15 septembre 2015

When the road turns, will my ghost find freedom?

I felt the urge to write in English today, maybe because I miss the 6-pages-long civilization essays from college... oh wait. The real reason though is that I find it easier to write in English, somehow it translates my thoughts better than French and I will forever find this really weird.
~ désolée pour ceux qui ne comprennent pas l'anglais ~

artwork by Chiara Bautista

Anyway, I wanted to talk (once again) about one of my favorite subjects (nope) a.k.a. me being unnable to find a fucking job. I was never one for ambition. I went through highschool not knowing what the hell I was doing there, hating pretty much every minute of it. Then I went to university and the same thing happened.

I love to learn new things. I used to read scientific magazines when I was 8 or 9 and I read books at a supersonic speed. School gradually took that passion away from me. I did find a lot of subjects interesting, but I never really chose to learn all those things. To me it always felt like the important thing were the marks and not the enjoyment I took out of the courses. I never had any trouble with marks, I was always the average-to-good-student-who-could-do-so-much-better-with-more-involvement. But I never wanted to get more involved. I hated the way school taught things. I stopped reading and writing so much because I HAD TO do these things, and no longer enjoyed it.

I only recently started writing again because I was finally getting away from the education system. From all the things they made us learn in school, I only remember maybe 20% of it, and I am sure I am being generous. And that is a fucking shame.

Back to my topic. I never had the faintest idea of what carreer I wanted to pursue. Truth be told, I don't want to work and I hate that I have to. I hate that pretty much every single person in my life is pressuring me into finding a job. Today I got called for a trial as waitress in a restaurant. I fucking hated it, and I'm not going back. I refuse to be miserable just to add a line on my CV -been there, done that, also I'm miserable enough in my everyday life- and I know I'm going to be blamed for it. People telling me that I should have persevered, that it's just how it is, I'm not always going to do what I want in life - I can hear them from here. Well the thing is, that's not how I want to live my life. Going to work in the morning, fighting each day to keep my head over the water, and only being able to breathe again when I'm home. Thanks, but no thanks.

So I don't really know where I was going with all this, I guess I needed to vent after today. Part of what inspired me to write this article was this video. It is a perfect summary of how I feel about our education system, and even though it's about the US I think it applies to us too.
I just feel so unfit for our society, it's like I can never escape it.

6 commentaires:

  1. i'm going to write in english too because why not ? since i basically learnt english by myself for a while so sorry for the mistakes.

    anyway, i'm pretty much at the same point. i'm going to quit my job in june because i can't stand working in this field anymore but still i'll probably never find another job. i want to write and publish my books and live in a lighthouse. i'm fucked, right ?

    so i'm a little bit older than you, all i can say is : chill out. people have this weird conception of life where you need a work to be "useful" to our society but maybe it's just not for you and nobody has to tell you otherwise. you need some time, to find a way to sort things out. look at me : i worked in the same fucking place for 4 years and, of course, i got money, but it didn't make me happy. you DON'T want to wake up and feel depressed because you hate your work. you DON'T want to feel shitty because you hate what you do every fucking day of your life.

    take care and sorry for my shitty english.

    1. Well I want to write books and live in an old manor in the middle of a forest. I may have the solution: let's plan a bank robbery and go live our dreams, yeah?

      I think you're right. I'm also being really hard on myself so that's not helping me feel any better.

      Take care of yourself too, and your English is perfectly fine :) <3

  2. It is frightening to me, to see that a lot of the people I know are in the same position than you. Feeling lost, disgusted and not knowing at all how they will be able to make it.
    I sometimes feel like a fraud when I say that I found a way, that I love my job and I could not consider living without it. How could I achieve this when I am not at all different in any way ? Is it just a question of luck ? Of opportunity ? Of being at the right place on the right time ?
    Some friends are resentful when I try to talk to them about their issues, telling me I couldn't possibly understand the despair they're feeling. And I think they are right. I can't understand.
    But it doesn't prevent me from being here for them. And for you, should you need to vent again.
    Take care, and don't give up. You're not alone.

    1. It should be comforting to me, knowing that I'm not alone in this situation but I also find it frightening really. How many of us are there? I feel like the number is evergrowing. Is it not symptomatic of a serious problem in our society?

      I often feel a pang of jealousy when I'm confronted with people who had the chance to know early in life what they wanted to do (I've stopped going on facebook so much partly because of that, sometimes I just can't take it) but I'm still happy for you. I wouldn't wish the feel of being completely lost on anyone.

      Sometimes you just get so lost is despair you start to feel at ease with it, and it becomes really hard to step out of the vicious circle. These past few months I've found myself it this situation more often than not, and it's hard to accept help and talk about it.

      Thank you, for your kind words and concern <3

  3. Comment in english ? Challenge accepted (sorry for my mistakes)
    Your post talk to me so much, omfg. I can believe we are in the same situation, lost and afraid. I hated my studies because I was hopeless for my teachers and I lost hope in my abilities because I was always one of those student who are in the bottom of the class (bad grades all the time yeah).But since High School I took my revenge (Bac+4 - surprise motherfuckers).

    1. No need to apologize, I think that's a nice practice :)
      There's definitely a problem with the way schools are run. But I'm glad you found a way to bounce back and succeed in what you like!